I wanted to write this in a second post because it is somewhat of a tangent on what I was saying, and this is a blog, not a novel. Anyways, lets imagine me in the summer of 2006.
I've never seen it, but I know one quote from Vanilla Sky thanks to Jason, "Because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet." And a good quote is only good with a justification. A bitter to sweet or vice versa experience grounds you. It has the ability to make your life solid. You appreciate the sweet richly and take the bitter as what must be, to welcome life's challenge.
In this Summer of 06 I hit my bottom. I felt as if everyone was disgusted with me, I could not find a job, no money, a very unsure and scary future, the anxiety was killing me on the inside and it was just getting worse making me unable to cope with many things and shunning almost all responsibilty, it was among other things depression. Looking back, only two things I did that summer were good. One thing was that I started going to church again occasionally, it was a renewed sense of structure and something to really digest weekly. The other was my trip to a beautiful fountain on the University of Michigan campus:
I started my journey to the fountain as a "penny walk with two friend" you flip a coin to decide where you turn until you find yourself back at home...well the three of us, me, a housemate and our friend decided to end up in a fountain that no one knew meant so much to me. The fountain is inbetween the main campus and the Grad Student building. When I was an incoming freshmen, my group walked towards the main campus and were told that when we graduated we should walk through it towards the Grad Building in an obvious metaphor. This fountain was special to me.
Now, not everyone is religious or superstitious, but it really doesn't matter, it should still make some sense to anyone. When I go to a fountain, I treat pennies as prayers. I don't ask for money, or a job, or more love...I ask for things that make my soul feel warm. That night, unknown to my fellow travelers, I needed to be alone with my thoughts and every once-in-a-while I would throw in one of a few pennies. As always, I prayed for the well-being of those I was there with. I then prayed that Tryson have the most beautiful life, the same for Stashia, another for everyone who still believed in me, and at least two or three for the strength to do what I needed to do to end my depression to finish school and to help others. It was a great night and walking back I felt stronger having set somethings straight in my mind.
Writting this now brings tears to my eye, all of my prayers have been answered and many that I did not even have hope for came along with them to help. Since then my favorite prayer for my self or for anyone has been the strength and ability to understand find their own joy. As I said in the other post, joy is different than happiness. If I had prayed for money and gotten it, I would have been happy on the outside. Happiness unfortunately doesn't last. Joy is what comes from the enjoyment of doing work you love, helping those you love and similar things. Ever since I had started to attain this joy from the inside it has snowballed and nothing external can disrupt it. I pray you all find your joy, for when the bitter is at it's very worst, you may keep your sweet center always.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The Holiday Spirit: Read First
The holidays are always a good time for us to connect with our friends and family, to eat like we never eat and be thankful for such opportunities. In general, this was true although some of the specifics may not point in that direction.
So the holiday season started for me when I met up with Stashia, Stephen and Caitlin at the GR airport after having a horrible flight experience with 5 delays adding up to 2 hours. Unfortunately my luggage decided not to join us. By the way, American Airlines is horrible with their communication on lost luggage to make a long story short.
The next day was the 23rd, where I decided to surround myself with 7 cats. Which would be fine if cats didn't constitute 90% of all my allergy problems. So the 24th, yes Christmas Eve, I went to the Urgent Care Center. By this point with my lungs so very weak, on recovery meds and still without my luggage the Christashiatryson contingency went to my family's side of Christmas. It was at Memouse's house which although she has two of these 7 cats, I thought risking my life was worth experiencing Christmas the way it was when I was little. Being surrounded by all the family again and getting to watch Tryson go through it as well was an experience worth the physical suffering. At one point in the night it just got to me and I found sanity in the insanity. My luggage could be lost forever and flights are always going to be late...and of course cats will always bring me to my knees, but I have had the best year of my life and this moment seals it forever in my memory.
As presents were being passed and all the chatter I thought about all I've been given this year and every bit of it priceless, completely priceless. Just this year alone, I was able to watch Tryson go through so many firsts and bond with him so much so that I know I'm someone he really wants to see in the morning and the last before bed. I finally realized what I had denied before, that Stashia loves me more than I can understand and that I love her more than I can explain. I finally graduated and after years of having other people fight to get me there, this last year I did it all on my own not taking no for an answer and taking all the responsibility, I grew up a lot and it feels good. I experienced a wealth of people coming out over and over again for our birthdays, grad parties, shower and wedding. I knew we had a lot friends and support but I did not know so many people loved us so deeply, thank you so much! I got a job that I love and I feel great about going to work every day, that feels amazing and they appreciate me. (I want to write more about this in a separate blog) Needless to say, I was overcome with joy. Not happiness, joy. Magically on Christmas day, my luggage came in and several other great things with it. I was able to spend a bit of time with 5 of my sisters that I hardly ever see, great times with friends and the opportunity to get stuck in snow on I-96...ah Michigan I miss you.
We're back in Washington now and I'm still a little sick, Stashia and Tryson are as well. We are happy to be back and settled down, but I think we are all in agreement that we all enjoyed our trip. So in summary, thank you!
-Chris
So the holiday season started for me when I met up with Stashia, Stephen and Caitlin at the GR airport after having a horrible flight experience with 5 delays adding up to 2 hours. Unfortunately my luggage decided not to join us. By the way, American Airlines is horrible with their communication on lost luggage to make a long story short.
The next day was the 23rd, where I decided to surround myself with 7 cats. Which would be fine if cats didn't constitute 90% of all my allergy problems. So the 24th, yes Christmas Eve, I went to the Urgent Care Center. By this point with my lungs so very weak, on recovery meds and still without my luggage the Christashiatryson contingency went to my family's side of Christmas. It was at Memouse's house which although she has two of these 7 cats, I thought risking my life was worth experiencing Christmas the way it was when I was little. Being surrounded by all the family again and getting to watch Tryson go through it as well was an experience worth the physical suffering. At one point in the night it just got to me and I found sanity in the insanity. My luggage could be lost forever and flights are always going to be late...and of course cats will always bring me to my knees, but I have had the best year of my life and this moment seals it forever in my memory.
As presents were being passed and all the chatter I thought about all I've been given this year and every bit of it priceless, completely priceless. Just this year alone, I was able to watch Tryson go through so many firsts and bond with him so much so that I know I'm someone he really wants to see in the morning and the last before bed. I finally realized what I had denied before, that Stashia loves me more than I can understand and that I love her more than I can explain. I finally graduated and after years of having other people fight to get me there, this last year I did it all on my own not taking no for an answer and taking all the responsibility, I grew up a lot and it feels good. I experienced a wealth of people coming out over and over again for our birthdays, grad parties, shower and wedding. I knew we had a lot friends and support but I did not know so many people loved us so deeply, thank you so much! I got a job that I love and I feel great about going to work every day, that feels amazing and they appreciate me. (I want to write more about this in a separate blog) Needless to say, I was overcome with joy. Not happiness, joy. Magically on Christmas day, my luggage came in and several other great things with it. I was able to spend a bit of time with 5 of my sisters that I hardly ever see, great times with friends and the opportunity to get stuck in snow on I-96...ah Michigan I miss you.
We're back in Washington now and I'm still a little sick, Stashia and Tryson are as well. We are happy to be back and settled down, but I think we are all in agreement that we all enjoyed our trip. So in summary, thank you!
-Chris
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